Its been a minute....I know.

I was unemployed for so long (2 and a half months)
and then suddenly I have three jobs, all wanting
my time. I'm doing a properties scavenger hunt for
Benefactors which opens way too soon at Theatre Row.
I'm scheduled to do some scenic painting at the York
Theatre soon, though what I have no idea.
And perhaps best of all, I am in concept design stage
for what looks to be a fantastic, demanding, arduous
and breathtaking spectacle whose name I cannot release
yet. I very much want to take a home office pic and
post it but I'm certain that is a no no. For now.
I will say that is loaded with fur and sequins and
there is hardly a straight bit of tailoring save for
a tuxedo. That is until I figure out how to adapt it
to our needs. Mink crinoline anyone?

Some things that have been on my mind recently:

1. What are you?
I get asked this constantly, and usually in a seeming
non-threatening way. However, asking this question to a
person of mixed heritage usually makes us feel like you
are asking us to qualify ourselves. I am a person first
and foremost leave it at that.

2. Theory and Practice:
To truly excel at art, just like sports or law, you
have to work at it tirelessly and daily. Talent may be
something we are born with but it requires upkeep or it
becomes stagnant and rots a little. A few of my friends
are having this issue having taken jobs out of school that
don't really call for drawing or painting capabilities, just
long hours that leave them unable to make any work due to
exhaustion or apathy (her word, not mine.)

3. The end of an era:
What a sad end to the tenure of John Galliano.

4. Asshole Magnet:
That would be me, Ladies and Gentlemen. I managed to
fall for the fleecy exterior of yet another wolf in sheeps
clothing. I believe the deciding factor was on the third date
when he tells me, after I voice a few concerns of mine that he
might be a player and how I don't need that,
"It will sound arrogant, but I've been avoiding calls from
a twenty-one year old boy tonight. I've been ignoring him
to be with you." Am I missing something? Was this meant to
somehow reassuring or complimentary? Where HAVE all the good
men gone? I need some gaurds, all my friends are too busy
with decent relationships to make sure I don't fall in the well.

Some pictures:

At The Demolition Depot in Harlem.
Four floors of the accumulated insides
of Manhattan Mansions Past.



Atop some two by fours rests an enormous oval miracle.



Rain outside the theatre, sideways. At night.

The Menu @ Julius NYC.


This man will get you drunk. Beware.



mon lit. il me manques.

Films: Get him to the Greek, Nicholas Stoller (2010)

I have to say I loved it.
I thought it would be a slightly
tragic mess, but I loved it.
The best soundtrack I've heard in
a while, including a song about
bangers and mash, what's not to love
about that. Even if it was attached to
possibly the most insane date I've
ever been on.

Note to self. STAY ON THE BUGGERY ISLAND!!

OMG like WTF

It's official.
I am a magnet for assholes.
Or perhaps they are a magnet for me.
With one brilliant exception, all of the guys I fall for are complete jackasses.
There was the first, who broke up with his boyfriend, called me to meet up, and then called back to announce their reconciliation. Thus informing me of my plan B satus.
Then there was the guy who decided to break up with me while I was out of town.
Via Facebook. And now the guy who leaves me at the bar because someone more attractive (?) shows up and says hello.

I think God laughs at me every time I fall for these guys. I'm God's Tina Fey.

On a brighter note, I met some incredibly talented people today and got to hang out on
set at Gossip Girl.

Un coeur qui ne comprends pas

OK, so I wrote before about finding this guy that made me happy. And he does indeed make me happy.
However, he does not want a relationship, much less a boyfriend. I'm not sure how much longer I can
really stand being someones fuck buddy, or fuck buddy on call as it were. Is it too much to ask to find
someone who is just a little interested in me? Just a tad beyond physicality, which I am constantly
being reminded of just how much I should be thankful for the attention I've been granted. I want more
than a call to hang out on the weekend, regardless of how great that weekend might be. I absolutely
want more than being placed in the second position, to be called when the soul mate decides that
maybe soul mate is not what they want just now. I really, clearly would like to find a someone who
would like me to be there with them in what ever situation arises. So far though no such luck.

Do I keep trying to find it? Do I just be thankful for what I have? Do I make demands, or concessions?
I am honestly a tad tired of getting second or third billing, being passed up for those literally to my
left or right. I am at a loss, but no less wanting of attention, or affection actually. Affection would be
brilliant. I realize that perhaps I may not be the most attractive person in the room, but I'd like to think
that I am not the least. And yet when the hour of desperation drops her inky curtain there I am, alone
watching the unfortunate pair with the unlikely and feeling a little more of the blank space inside.

It could be worse I suppose. I could be starving, or homeless, or persecuted in some forgotten land.
That is what it feels like though. Like the carrot in the middle of the all you can eat steak buffet. Picked
out sometimes, but more to add a bit of colour (pun intended) to a plate but never intended to provide
any real sustenance.

Am I content to play the part of an occasional pudding? Carrot pudding anyone?

Warm Fuzzy

Another relationship film, a short one, about finding love in unlikely places.
Not that I am having much luck with that at all. Suffice it to say that I am
nothing short of baffled and confused with the behaviour of nearly every
guy in my life right now. Is it so hard to just say what you want? I think not.
I, it would seem, am a minority in my thinking. Granted, I am not faultless,
and sometimes am riding high on the happy pink dolphin of way too many
tequila and grapefruits. I at least try to learn a bit from past doings, runs-in,
and moving violations.

Spring Broken

It's spring break. I should have left en route to Japan to visit my sister and Tokyo....but my services were needed here.
Of course. I get to spend my break translating scanned images into scaled paintings for a set design, instead of taking business class for 14 hours from San Francisco to Tokyo. To top it all off, around 3 today I got sick. suddenly....just needed a nap and woke up with a cold. Of course.
I have been flooded with interested guys though. Dear God. Its feast or famine when it comes to finding a guy it seems.
So far I've gone out with five. Some have promise, some a little less ( I think because they aren't just yet ready for the "R" word).
They are, however, all brilliant in their own ways and have all surprised me with their personalities. I know that soon I will have to choose one, but right now I am just enjoying hanging out with them and being exposed to their experiences here in New Orleans.
I will say that I do like waking up next to someone, its a comfort like none other I think.
(I've only slept with one....I'm not a scandalous ho bag. And yes, it was worth abandoning the four till you score plan.)

*PS, the guy in the picture is not anyone I know. . . maybe.

so yeah..

..broke up with the ex again. this time it's over. we tried to be friends and an epic failure was the result.

So last night I felt like crap, as I posted before. Waking up this morning however I feel only a new mass of freedom.
I think what I was feeling was not lingering affection but clinging to an ideology. I had this view of him that I had
blown out of proportion. Like taking all the good parts and blowing them up and only seeing them. I created an
unrealistic point of view. It's nice to be rid of it. Odd how our own minds can create these little prisons for ourselves
because they sub-consciously need things. Realizing that what I need and what I want from people will be a good
thing to work out, to discover. Instead of clinging to the nearest person who gives me a smile.

Today I go to the races. I've never bet on ponies but I've been advised to go for a trifecta....I think that's how you
spell it.

Finally, some words.

Anonymity has been on my mind recently.



I'd like to go back to being unknown by a lot of people. You know how there are those
people who you just can't seem to leave behind. You think you are safe and then their
fin surfaces again and again, cutting through your calm blue ocean with all kinds of thoughts
and memories that you'd rather not think about for reasons you'd rather not remember.
I could do with some erasure of memory these days.

Work is in full force as we launch a new production by a visiting pair of directors from
South Africa. I've done everything from making paint out of water and flour, stretching
reflective film over painting pars, buying feathers by the pound and making giant screens.
The show will be stunning.

Mardi Gras was a little bit of a blur. I was mostly at work, but managed to squeeze in a
few TGV's (tequilla/gin/vodka with sprite and lime) and managed to make out with a
rugby player. It was nice to see the crowds in the city. Not so much their trash, dear god
having a trash flash back. So many crawfish heads in the grass. I like being in crowds though,
it goes back to that thing about being anonymous, you just kinda disappear.

I used to hide in clothes racks when I was small. Surrounded by coats, or dresses. It drove
my mom so mad that she had to make me hold onto the side of the cart after a while.
I still like slinking off to drunken places at all hours of the night. Nursing a drink and
smoking the cigarettes I should never have started smoking a year ago. There is something
calming about being a ghost.

I've started to date a couple of guys. They are sweet, one makes me laugh. One makes
me think about where it is I think I'm going. So far I think we are all distractions for
each other but who knows. I am just looking forward to the next day and letting them
unwrap themselves in their own time and I in mine. I like a nice slow development.

That time of year

I look forward to one day not feeling inadequate on Valentines Day.

Anyway, I found this awesome card from the 1900's,
I dedicate it to all of you who might be reading this.

Where I am

So today I am at the coffee house and manage to start talking to a guy.
We flirt a bit.
I tell him I might go see a movie, he says he'd come along but wants to watch heroes.
Understandable.
He asks if I have a boyfriend. I say no.
He tells me he doesn't either. He also tells me I'm cute.
He then shows me a picture of a guy he's been talking to online.
(beautiful beyond belief)
Then he tells me I'll eventually find someone.

Maybe god wants me to only do homework.

On a brighter note, I am finally able to draw again. Three weeks into the semester.

yeah, it's official.

On such an historic day, as I read headlines about racial lines falling and acceptance at an all time high,
I learn that my inklings were right.

I can't get a date in this town because for the majority of people here, on both sides, I'm the wrong ccolour.

I was just informed of this in a chat room where guys were pondering the swearing in of Joe Biden as president following President Obama's assassination. This, as I ,a representative of three continents, am watching his inauguration speech.

I can't say I'm surprised, every guy I meet want's a list of my ethnic make-up within 3 minutes of conversation.
I was also told that I could not have speak with a british accent because I'm not white.

I think the biggest cause for consternation with the south for me is reconciling it's amazing beauty with a lot of the people who inhabit it. On the other hand I suppose my endeavor to stop looking for a boyfriend can be more easily let go with this new bit of information. I guess I just have to let it come to me, and find other ways to give in the mean time; volunteer, assist, give.

Disheartening but not a cause for the abandonment of my hopes.
I have to hope.
Other wise I need to start accumulating cats.

ça va pas la tête?

Je pense oui. Je serais mieux sans mon esprit problematique.
Alors.



I'm doing a fantastic job of adjusting to my new found feelings. Feeling is amazing.
Wanting to give love is amazing. Wanting to get loved is a little less amazing though, but hey.
Dennis said he'd try to get me a few dates when I get back to NOLA. I can't wait.


(I think I might be happy)
(I said it in parenthesis because saying it out loud might jinx it)
(I don't want to have to buy myself a coke.)
(unless it has whisky in it)
(and then I'd just drink the whisky)

This cake just isn't done.

Love ridden, Ive looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
Ive wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when its over
So I cant tonight, baby
No, not baby anymore - if I need you
Ill just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, well only have to wave

-Fiona Apple

Like water on toast..

I have been so incredibly busy. The time of the 16 hour day has returned and I am near my wits end.
I suppose it would not be as horrible as it is if the people surrounding me could behave as adults ought to.
Back biting, scheming, gossip and expected alliances abound and it makes me want to be less and less in same
space. Still as my design professor said to me on Wednesday, " You are given a ball of shit to eat. Why argue? Eat
fast and make it good. Otherwise, you complain and it just takes that much longer to eat. And you have to eat it, Baby."

I'm still wondering how long i have to wait until I can make logic as aurally stunning as this woman.

Still, since I've resolved to see this tragic turn of fortune through to the end, I intend to at the very least distance
myself as much as possible. Refusing to let myself become a rumor-fed, petty bull-shitting hack. It is a bit sad that
I find myself in this position in a University (ranked 37), and sadder still that I have to witness the enthusiasm with
which this behaviour is carried out. Speaking with a friend about this it was decided that neither of us could dare
show any sign of weakness or lack of confidence as "they would begin to circle."

On other fronts:
- I am enjoying my recent weekend outings to various pubs and bars with non-school associated people.
(Lets not poop and dine in the same place, shall we?)

- Finding loads of interesting music hidden in my computer from last year that I did'nt know I had.

-Met a cute guy who maybe thinks I am cute as well.

- Nearing completion of the Maps Project.

-Have been approved for $162 of Food Stamps from Hurricane Gustav, which is like being handed a month long free lunch voucher to Whole Foods (which is 6 blocks away.)

-Managed to do laundry and uncover my floor.

-Turned down an offer to marry and move to Milwaukee, despite reasonable arguments to convince me.

- Have begun work on my MFA application to the Yale School of Art.

Films: Broken English, Zoe Cassavetes (2007)

Recommended by BWP. Thanks BWP for renewing my romantic belief that love just kinda finds you.
I was this close to being ok with the hard cold truth that it doesn't work that way without serious editing and multiple camera angles.

Maintaining Consciousness while Moving

So I ran again last night and did not experience any sort of out of head experience.
I have other things to make up for it though. Such as my tea cup balanced on a charging elephants bum of a
financial situation. Why do people pay talented people so crapily(two p's in crapily?)? Why do talented people
work for such crappy pay? Seriously, not just me, someone had to set the precedent. That said why do I do it?!
Partly because I honestly can't do anything else, I've only ever worked in theatre thereby ruining my chances
at any sort of viable occupation at this point. Do I stop caring about what I do? Do I only give as much design
as I'm being paid for?
"Here Love, Here is your half a suit and partial tie. Be grateful, the rest of the cast are in hefty bags and knee socks."
I don't think I could do that either. A friend just sent me a message telling me to stop working at realizing the dreams
of others who have no regard for my own...it sounds clearer in french. I think this is quite wise, and true, only in this
business the only one who ever gets to really dream the majority of the time are the directors. And the bloody
playwrights who dream up swimming pools as stage sets and multi-cast actors who change clothes in four lines.

I've decided to focus on set design for a while. And to give Tulane another semester since they are paying me to be
here. I still plan on submitting apps to other programs. Or who knows. Not me, not this instant anyway.

As thought that weren't enough. Of the two guys I've been seeing one is moving to North Carolina, professining
his adoration the whole time. I tried a long distance thing before and it was enough to know better than to do it again.
The other is adorable, but about as constant as a comet. Plans were made to see Batman this evening, and I've heard
nothing. What I really need are friends. I have friends, great, fantastic, melt in you mouth friends, just none in the city.
Everyone I know is married, otherwise engaged, or a little to close to the line of Acquaintance to be comfortable.

Harbinger of Doom?

I knew things would get odd and complex when I saw the guy across the street mowing his lawn. Not just mowing his lawn, mowing it with a weed wacker. All of it. While wearing tiny running shorts and a sweater around his shoulders.

Things making my throat a little dry:

- I am costuming a play written by the junior theatre history professor at Tulane.
-I'm still Illustrating the huge book that is part of the PhD of the senior theatre history professor at Tulane
-I've been told that I am being looked at to costume one of the first plays of the season at Southern Repertory Theatre.
-I am due to start work on my first realized set design for the son of a fantastic woman, whom I respect and admire greatly.
-I have found myself in the odd position of being involved with two people (sort of) after being with no one for so long.
-I'm trying so hard not to let my self destructive behaviour take over and ruin possibly fantastic friendships, if not relationships,
as it is so fond of doing.
-I'm being paid WAY too little for the amount of work I am doing.

All these things sold separately are easily managed. I seem to have gotten the big kids meal pandora's box though.
what can I do but try to stay the course.

Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming.

Didactic temperate imapatience

Day 5 in New Orleans.
Adjusting at last to the "air". It works out best if I stay inside between the hours of 10am and 6pm.
Thank God the library is kick ass.

Drew a bit this morning, considering starting a drawing of the day post to help motivate daily drawing.
We will see how this plays out. Finally met the phantom roomate, a big burly guy we shall call Mr. Brown.
Since comming out of hiding he has been a great source of information about the area, the city in general,
and a little bit of New Orleans History. Although he did go a bit far in telling me that the far corner of the street
may just be a favourite crack vending corner. I love my block more and more everyday.

On a slightly happier front, I have tenativly befriended a couple of fellows, M. & B..
M. is a North Carolinian fellow Tulanian studying Law (also know as the way of the avocado to us french speakers).
A nice burly cub of a guy. He gave me a ride home last evening, saving me from further exposure to the "air", but ominously responded with a "we'll see" when asked if I would indeed see him again. Fingers crossed.
B. is from Florida. A very motivated young lad with the goal of opening a KIPP school (www.kipp.org) here in New Orleans, of which he will be Principal. We had dinner at an oddly charming restauraunt called, no joke, Nacho Mamas on Magazine Street.
I've never before had a chocolate mole, but perhaps I will again. One day. Anyway, dinner went well, conversation was great with only a few awkward moments of silence. Sadly poor B. is being shipped off to the peanit fields of North Carolina (Why do I have such boundless ties to that state?) to shaddow, and thus become a principal. For a month. Will attempt to text him, if he gets a signal.