I never finished this drawing.
I broke it by trying to finish it. It was based in the idea of yelling into a vaccum, of being terrified of being alive and trying to deal with it, and having so much life beneath the surface that there was no physical way it could all come through as any one emotion.
I found this old statement from back when I knew kinda what I was doing and why.
"...my drawings convey the want of individual characters for others, for things both known and yet not known. They portray the reply of the desired character as well, allowing a dialogue to exist within the drawing of what depicting what is happening as well as what could happen.
I am deeply interested in what is not said but intuited and in the possibility of things. Potential for interaction, for interpretation, is a major factor in choosing to work both with figure and with narrative, as I am less interested in making a drawing of an obvious story than in making a drawing of an ending that asks what has happened and what will happen next. The overwhelming resonance is searching for something, craving something but not knowing what it is. The landscapes tell more about feeling the daunting potential for being within the world, and the figure work is more about potential dynamic interaction with others, but both convey an awareness of the greener grass around the corner.
I use images such as multi-faced figures who are talking to each other while looking elsewhere or singing out of another mouth to get across the observation that no none really listens to anyone else in a conversation. Sometimes the heads stretch out like an arm and wrap around the heads of others conveying a desire to know or a want to touch. Other times the heads of the figures are absolutely normal but in their placement within the drawing in relation to other objects or figures create a tension on their own, or conversely their heads morph into what can be seen as their thoughts, confusions or dreams."
Drawing was a sort of therapy for me. A means to work through what would be going on
inside my head that I could not voice. A friend of mine asked me tonight to talk to him about
what was going on with me, why I'm a bit withdrawn and dim, and I couldn't voice it. It was there
clearly, but I could not find words.
Let's say I have this friend who is really myself, thinly veiled.
This friend has problems admitting to himself that he is capable of living his life.
How is it that people learn this? I feel like I've missed the boat completely when it
comes to things like making friends and engaging in relationships. I have to clarify
that the friends I do have that I will call friends are exceptional and those who
have tried to have a go with me, for the most part, have been inconstant and detached
people. There are exceptions, it's just that it is so hard to trust people right now.
Which makes it harder to be the one people trust, especially when you can't
trust them back.
It throws everything off.
I'm trying hard to be a good person, to do great things in the micro-cosim of my world,
and I can't because I've trouble feeling things. I don't know why.