09 October 2008

I woke up last night and the sky outside my window was apricot

Yesterday I came to the realization that I am going to be getting a lot less sleep than I have been getting lately. And by lately I mean that I've been sleeping about five hours a night. Oh yeah, grad school is in full swing. Five courses with intense amounts of play reading and analysis with nice big doses of applied design on top. Today I am going to attempt to finish a huge chunk of map work, which I am still doing revisions for. And tomorrow begin designing a concept of a modern dance piece that is so early in the developmental phase it in itself is a concept. The set design for The Mousetrap has begun, which is simple enough. The madness there is that I am expected to know everything I'm supposed to do now. I've not even made the change in emphasis to scenic yet, and am in the early stages of a set design course which is heavily focused on development of space and (that word again) concept. I said I'm planning on switching to scenic and they said here is your show. Fantastic.

On the other side of my life there is the guy I've been seeing. We just recently became a pair after a summer of him persuading me that we were made for each other. And while I knew (know) that we get along great, the strength of his pursuit was disorienting. He tells me that this is just his personality and that he'd rather not edit himself, which I agree with. No one ought to change the make-up of their character in order to better suit another. I'm just not sure I can handle the amount of interest he gives me. Bjork has a song called 5 years which is about being afraid to accept that someone loves you. I'm kinda there. After getting used to no one really paying any attention to me in another way than "Hey, we ought to hook up," I am finding it hard to navigate real, genuine interest. I keep waiting for the ball to drop and him to wake up and realize that maybe I'm not so amazing as he has me in his head. It's so wrong to be like this because he is so brilliant, warm, hilarious and incredibly emotionally connected (everything I am supposed to be looking for.)He tells me he misses me from day to day and that he sees us being together for a while. My biggest fear is that I will one day just let him go like I did with Sara, and have another huge regret and sorrow for. Although that situation was the result of a 6 year relationship t showed me of how something gorgeous can turn around in a matter of days, and about how easily I can insulate myself in a vacuum of disconnect. The afore mentioned stress of school is not helping at all.
(he just now sent a text referring to himself as confused cindy. that is the effect I am having on him. confusing.)

I have hope though, which I've not had for a while. I am making an effort to keep on the side that says that this new thing I am doing might work. That I ought to follow this guy , trust him a bit and see what I can discover. Even if it does not work out maybe I can learn to open up a bit more. That is worth the risk of two bruised hearts right?


designerman said...

stay in the moment. breathe. accept that you are loveable...and take it from there.


ricola said...

;), doing my best

Paul Pincus said...

just go for it : )

Baking With Plath said...

it's so worth the risk, but i also understand how it can be scary. you deserve to give yourself a chance at happiness.