17 December 2008
I'm not exactly sure when it was that you decided to make yourself known. Or maybe you switched yourself on.
My previously invisible, and suddenly quite tangible heart.
For the longest time I thought you were just an organ. An echo inside of myself.
I suppose I was afraid that perhaps you did have the potential to do what people told me you could do.
And you did it, despite myself. I tried to keep you closed, but you opened. Now that you wont shut properly I find myself changed. I'm a little more fragile, and bewildered than I was. More unsure and in alot more pain.
It's sad that that I at long last learned how to feel you only to feel what it's like to feel you breaking.
And to know that it was myself that broke you. Now every love song I thought was odd and sappy has a message and I understand it. All this fuss that buzzed about being in love and wanting to connect with someone I understand a little more. Not completely, seeing as how when the opportunity presented itself I ran in terror.
But were you breaking? Or were you just feeling a void of something that you'd felt there and were suddenly so spectacularly aware of its absence that it left us heart tied and melancholy. I do deserve you. Granted I do need to start taking care of you now that I can better feel you. There ought to be a warning label on the bottles of antidepressants that warns that this medication will cause emotions and you ought to be prepared to handle them. I'd like to think that I'd be better able to handle this sort of thing in the future, be less skittish. More allowing. Less in my head and more in the moment.
Now I suppose we just wait until the next 1 in 10,000 finds us.
Let's make a deal not to fuck up so royaly next time.