01 May 2009

Un coeur qui ne comprends pas

OK, so I wrote before about finding this guy that made me happy. And he does indeed make me happy.
However, he does not want a relationship, much less a boyfriend. I'm not sure how much longer I can
really stand being someones fuck buddy, or fuck buddy on call as it were. Is it too much to ask to find
someone who is just a little interested in me? Just a tad beyond physicality, which I am constantly
being reminded of just how much I should be thankful for the attention I've been granted. I want more
than a call to hang out on the weekend, regardless of how great that weekend might be. I absolutely
want more than being placed in the second position, to be called when the soul mate decides that
maybe soul mate is not what they want just now. I really, clearly would like to find a someone who
would like me to be there with them in what ever situation arises. So far though no such luck.

Do I keep trying to find it? Do I just be thankful for what I have? Do I make demands, or concessions?
I am honestly a tad tired of getting second or third billing, being passed up for those literally to my
left or right. I am at a loss, but no less wanting of attention, or affection actually. Affection would be
brilliant. I realize that perhaps I may not be the most attractive person in the room, but I'd like to think
that I am not the least. And yet when the hour of desperation drops her inky curtain there I am, alone
watching the unfortunate pair with the unlikely and feeling a little more of the blank space inside.

It could be worse I suppose. I could be starving, or homeless, or persecuted in some forgotten land.
That is what it feels like though. Like the carrot in the middle of the all you can eat steak buffet. Picked
out sometimes, but more to add a bit of colour (pun intended) to a plate but never intended to provide
any real sustenance.

Am I content to play the part of an occasional pudding? Carrot pudding anyone?

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